Joke

[JuanPabloAngel]

A bloke just ran up to me and said he was going to beat me with the neck of his guitar.

I said, "Is that a fret?"

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Dave: "Do you know what rohypnol smells like?"

Fit bird: "No."

Dave: "Can I buy you a drink?"

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Harry Kane and the England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday.

"It's heartbreaking to see their little faces, terrified and with no hope," said Sergei, aged 5.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Boom Boom!! I'm here all week - try the veal.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I can still remember my Grandad’s last words before he kicked the bucket.

He said “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Talk about coincidence:

BBC NEWS: "Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition."

Can't believe they all had the same name...

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

My mate has just started a new job recycling drinks cans. I thought it sounded pretty fun but he said it's soda pressing...

 

[col8]

My son has been hard at work all day!

I slipped a couple of Viagra in his tea this morning.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Just had a knock on the front door. I was surprised to find Suggs standing there.......

First signs of Madness.........

 

[col8]

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?




Because he is married.....

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I like to have my glasses on when I am having sex.

It protects my eyes from the pepper spray.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one though.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.

He said: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said: "Homer's a bald, fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Had a landscape gardener come to quote for some work yesterday.

Unfortunately he couldn't help me: turns out my garden is portrait.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

After complaints about its bright lights, our local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".

I went as a Chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

 

[col8]

I was having a piss in a urinal at the pub and a midget was pising in the one next to me.
I noticed that he kept winking at me "whats up pal are you gay or something?"

He replied "No Im not, your piss keeps splashing in my eyes"

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have put it on aloha setting.

 

[Pride of Lions]

'Bay City Rollers bassist Alan Longmuir has died'

Fans will wear trousers at half mast as a sign of respect.