Joke

[Pride of Lions]

A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says "Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".

 

[Pride of Lions]

In a new poll, 40% of U.K. citizens say they think Jeremy Corbyn will be elected Prime Minister in the next parliament.

They also said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish packing."

 

[Pride of Lions]

I bought my dog an inflatable sex toy. It's a blow up leg.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Just come back from Liverpool and everyone who lives there must be really fit because they all wear tracksuits.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I just bought some new "Harry & Meghan" condoms. They are not the only Royal Contraceptive on sale though - you can also buy photos of Camilla for your headboard.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

 

[col8]

My mate told me his missus was out so he showered went to bed, knob in one hand whilst popping the DVD he got off E-Bay into the DVD player. He laid back ready to watch "Bald and Barely Legal" only spend the next 40 minutes watching a documentry on tyre wear.

 

[Pride of Lions]

My wife said she loves cheesy puff's, so I bought her a Westlife cd.

Turned out she meant deep fried corn- based snacks.

 

[Pride of Lions]

A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, “What were his final words?” The nurse replies, “None, Doctor his wife was with him to the very end.”

 

[Pride of Lions]

Diane Abbott receives one third of all the abuse sent to British politicians, The Times reports.

That is utterly appalling! Only a third! .... Come on guys, let’s get that figure up to half at least.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I’m now absolutely convinced that the BBC are totally out of touch with their audience. They’ve just announced that people won’t need a TV license to watch the Royal wedding.

How the fuck does that benefit anyone in Liverpool?

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I got sacked from my job as a theatre designer.

I left without making a scene.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Do you know what the first **** immigrant was called? Amir. The second? Amir Azwel. The third? Amir Azwel Azim

 

[Pride of Lions]

Had to go to the doctors today because for the past week I've been thinking that I'm Rocky Balboa and acting out all of the movies.

Turns out it's due to my high testostallone.

 

[Pride of Lions]

At last, there is national hero of France!

An African.

 

[Pride of Lions]

TEENAGERS: Get something that will make your dad really happy this fathers day.

A flat.

 

[Pride of Lions]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

 

[Pride of Lions]

I went into Safestyles double glazing showroom today and I could hear Riders on the storm being sung somewhere.

Then I realised it was coming from the doors.

 

[col8]

"Can I help you?" asked the shop assistant
"I'm okay" I replied "Just Looking"

"I'll have to ask you to leave then" she said

"Why?" I asked. "I'm not doing any harm"

"Just get the fuck out!" she snapped, pulling up her knickers

"These are the staff toilets"

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now when you talk about botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.