Joke | Page 226 | Vital Football

Joke

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers
from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old
daughters.
"Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."


The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

 
I could swear I just drove past sky pundit Jamie Carragher there in his car....

....Well if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!
 
I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market when I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on.

I said, "Oh, I see you won your appeal!"

 
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.

"What can I do for you?" He asked

"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.
 
Me: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
 
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’
 
I said to my wife the other day, “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She said “I don’t like to ring you when you’re at work!”
 
I love watching nature programs, you learn so much from them. For instance the duck-billed platypus is a mammal that lays eggs but it also produces milk.

This must be the only animal on earth that can make its own custard!

 
It's little known that Stephen Hawking also wrote about the introduction of herbs into British cooking.

The best known of these was, 'A Brief History Of Thyme'.

 
MAGISTRATES: When you give Anthony Mcpartlin his community service for drink driving, do the country a favour and make him do it on a Saturday night.