Joke Time | Vital Football

Joke Time

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At Christmas we always have pigs in blankets! Or as you call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room!
 
I was thrown out of the weekly Weight Watchers meeting for starting an argument! As you would expect I took my punishment with huge grace, which was good as they threw her out aswell!
 
I got back to my car today and found a note that said "Parking Fine". I thought, ahh, that's a nice compliment.
 
1970's joke...
Drunk went home to his wife with a duck under his arm.
He says 'This ish the pig I wash telling you about'.
His wife says 'You ignorant man. That is a duck.'
The man says 'I wash talking to the duck.'
 
Man gets home and says to his wife “There is a guy in the pub boasting that he has shagged every woman in this street except one”
His wife turns round and says “yeah, that will be Karen at number 7”
 
Thank you Nibbles. I was beginning to lose heart. It is dear to me as I had to lie in a bed next to some idiot in hospital back in the eighties (did I mention I'd had an accident) who used to have a tele and I was forced to listen to Rainbow every day. He was mobile and f#cked off to the rest room. I was bed bound and stuck with it. C#NT.
 
Gills 58 - one of the blokes who composed the tune to Rainbow lives around the corner to me. Tells me he's still getting a few bob in royalties.:cheers:. Tim (something or other) still composing for musicals and does tours of the Brunel museum and local history walks.
 
Last night I had to get towed home because ratty and moley were too pissed to drive!
 
I went on a positive thinking course! It was shit!
 
Last week a woman asked me for sex! I had to disappoint her! We had sex!
 
When woman see me naked for the first time, they scream and run out the park!
 
They have a special on at Tesco! He collects the trolleys!