Joke Time | Page 7 | Vital Football

Joke Time

mozzer59

Vital Squad Member
I remember the first time I was trying to get a girls bra off and I was really struggling! I then realised it was a different type of bra to my gran!
 

ThreeSixes

Vital 1st Team Regular
New neighbour has moved in, and said "your house is the same size as my house. How many rolls of wallpaper for your front room?". I said "14".

Saw him a week later and he said "I've got 4 rolls of wallpaper left over". I said "so have I".
 

chris who

Vital 1st Team Regular
Dear Deidre, The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?
I worked with this bloke in the 80s who would make up his own replies to that page it was hysterical.
 

mozzer59

Vital Squad Member
Went to the butcher’s last week...

“Where’s your assistant?” I asked
“I sacked him! He was sticking his cock in the bacon slicer”
“Oh, what happened to the bacon slicer?”
“I sacked her too”
 

chris who

Vital 1st Team Regular
A few from the late great Spike.
Spike Milligan
Starting with The Goon Show in the 1950s, Milligan revolutionised comedy with his brilliantly surreal imagination, inspiring the likes of Monty Python and Eddie Izzard.



“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, ‘Why should I? He never reads any of mine.’ “
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ”

“I have the body of an 18 year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
“I don’t mind dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”
“We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.”
“And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”
 

mozzer59

Vital Squad Member
A few from the late great Spike.
Spike Milligan
Starting with The Goon Show in the 1950s, Milligan revolutionised comedy with his brilliantly surreal imagination, inspiring the likes of Monty Python and Eddie Izzard.



“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, ‘Why should I? He never reads any of mine.’ “
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ”

“I have the body of an 18 year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
“I don’t mind dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”
“We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.”
“And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”
I remember seeing Spike Milligan getting the lifetime achievement at the comedy awards...

“I’m not going to thank anyone because I did it all myself”

They read out a letter from Prince Charles saying well done to Spike!
Spike’s reply...”Grovelling Bastard”
 

chris who

Vital 1st Team Regular
I remember seeing Spike Milligan getting the lifetime achievement at the comedy awards...

“I’m not going to thank anyone because I did it all myself”

They read out a letter from Prince Charles saying well done to Spike!
Spike’s reply...”Grovelling Bastard”
My wife met him at a book signing. She is on the short side .He made a remark to that affect to which she simply laughed. Anyone else would have got a ear bashing. But Spike had a way of making the most rude or meaningless remark funny .I suppose it is about timing and not taking anything seriously.
 
My Doctor rang me today. He said I've got your test results. You've got coronavirus, sars,ebola, aids & syphillus. I'm going to put you on a diet of pizzas.
I said what good is that?
He said none at all, but that's all we can get under the fucking door!
 

Nobby_66

Vital 1st Team Regular
Who's the Daddy?

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2.I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3.I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks
.
4.I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced .

5.I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6.I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8.From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

9.So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained un-fertilized .

10.I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.