O/T Fresh Jokes... | Page 2 | Vital Football

O/T Fresh Jokes...

True story. Not quite a joke.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I commented on one of her posts that was critical of my unwillingness to food shop on a Saturday.... I wrote...
'I never understood the joke that all those old American jewish comedians used to say like' take my wife - Please! '... Or ' I take my wife everywhere - but she always finds her way home'.
Then I got married to you and now think they are the funniest jokes ever written.

Blocked. And her mates.
 
On that theme Stupops......

The Honeymoon is Over!

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah. "Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"

"Oh mom," Sarah replies, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then Sarah starts to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," says Leah, "Tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away," says Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."

..................

Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
 
This is my wife’s all time favourite joke . It comes out at every opportunity , like my ....... sorry , wrong sort of forum!

Two young lads , about twelve and fifteen , break into a hardware shop . They look around to see what they can steal and fill their bags with batteries and fireworks. Their thinking was it was around Halloween and these items would sell easily .
They got caught on their way home and put before the custody sergeant . Taking their ages into account , he charged one and let the other one off.
 
Walthamstow wanderer said:
This is my wife’s all time favourite joke . It comes out at every opportunity , like my ....... sorry , wrong sort of forum!

Two young lads , about twelve and fifteen , break into a hardware shop . They look around to see what they can steal and fill their bags with batteries and fireworks. Their thinking was it was around Halloween and these items would sell easily .
They got caught on their way home and put before the custody sergeant . Taking their ages into account , he charged one and let the other one off.
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Your wife is obviously easily pleased, bless her. I'm sorry I now have OCD with word play jokes. I just dismiss them and some are quite funny. I am looking beyond words to be funny. This is not easy now due to political correctness. I quite like Stuart Lee with his aggressive approach to his audience and his ex sidekick Richard Herring who has a near the knuckle awkward style. One of his favourite questions is.....have you ever tried to suck your own cock.? Well of course we have but you wouldn't want to admit it.
 
I was telling my mate the other day I had been to the Doctors as was feeling shite. The Doctor prescribed some pills and said you take one of these per day for the rest of your life.

My mate said well that's good isn't it ?.

Not really I said, he only gave me 3 days worth.
 
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.

AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH
 
Greavswasthegreatest said:
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.

AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH
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Don't be stupid......Weasels only live for 7 years tops.
 
Greavswasthegreatest said:
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.”
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When I was a kid in the 60s and early 70s my Mum used to give us Haliborange I think they were called.Vitamin C supplements. I used to hate Sundays on my paper round, the bag was twice the weight
 
t's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Tottenham Hotspur.'
 
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