suffolknwot
Vital Football Hero
" BASILDON & DISTRICT AREA LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL
VANGE - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
PITSEA- burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.
BILLERICAY- you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.
STOCK - having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.
WICKFORD- Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.
BURNT MILLS- prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only
LAINDON- Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open
SHOTGATE - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.
RAMSDEN - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas.
Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together."
VANGE - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
PITSEA- burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.
BILLERICAY- you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.
STOCK - having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.
WICKFORD- Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.
BURNT MILLS- prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only
LAINDON- Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open
SHOTGATE - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.
RAMSDEN - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas.
Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together."
