1 foot on the love boat.... | Page 7 | Vital Football

1 foot on the love boat....

Right progress report....the Captain sobered up yesterday just long enough to ascertain where the hell we are. Apparently we are steaming north up the Severn, bound for Shrewsbury ( no mean feat for a vessal of this size ). Unfortunately I begin to question the Captain's sanity........somebody has let the cat out the bag and told him where Shrewsbury used to play their home games. Well that was it.....he flounced down for dinner with his hula-hula skirt on, blond wig, false eye-lashes and dangly ear-rings. He looked more like Vera Duckworth than our esteemed commander. All went well until he got stuck into the margaritas and things quickly descended into farce. He's managed to upset a table of wealthy Americans when he approached their table, lifted up his skirt and asked them what they thought of the Captain's Log ?....One elderly lady passed out and the doctor was called. He was quickly ushered off to bed ( by the usher ofcourse ) and calm was restored.

Our leader is in a foul mood this morning...I caught him stood on the starboard bow with his trousers round his ankles staring into the murky waters. When I asked what the hell he was doing he said he felt like tossing himself off.

PS.....one of the younger members of the crew thought they had spotted Shrewsbury on the horizon but it turned out to be Fiddlers Ferry power station.
 
hindleymonwafc - 29/3/2016 08:57

He's managed to upset a table of wealthy Americans when he approached their table, lifted up his skirt and asked them what they thought of the Captain's Log ?....One elderly lady passed out and the doctor was called.
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my neece whos a nurse just caled me from the hospital. there were 3 ladys involved. one had a hert attack. one fainted. and the other had a stroke.
 
I thought the punchline of that joke had a 4th lady involved ...................... who couldn't reach.
 
moonay - 29/3/2016 14:23

I thought the punchline of that joke had a 4th lady involved ...................... who couldn't reach.
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ooops.

looks as if i sufered a bit of premature peroration there.

mrs brick wont be happy
 
BrickLatic - 29/3/2016 14:57

ooops.

looks as if i sufered a bit of premature peroration there.

mrs brick wont be happy
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What was it Frankie said ? ......... oh aye ........... Relax !
 
Right we've weighed anchor...feckin heavy it was too...and beat a hasty retreat from Gay Meadow. There was an almighty scrap last night between the Captain and Carlos, the local pimp. He said he was going to blow his balls off but we managed to placate him with the promise of a free cruise on the Leeds/Liverpool canal.

You will never guess what the crazy bar steward is planning next.....he wants to navigate the Duggie and moor up alongside the DW ??? The 1st mate has informed him that at 64,000 tons that is ni on impossible. He said it will be a piece of piss and the bridges will open like Tower Bridge. I fear the worse but watch this space.
 
Terrible news shipmates....against our better judgement the Captain insisted on tackling the Duggie. We have demolished 14 bridges up to press and created a tidal bore ( and no, I don't mean thorpy ) that's destroyed half of Norley Hall with the ensuing tsunami. A police spokesman has estimated the damage at over 30 quid.

The Captain is now helping police with their enquiries. When he emtied his pockets at the nick he had 4 tubes of lube and a bottle of vodka.
 
Morning me hearties.....what a traumatic day we endured yesterday. While the passengers and crew were at the match the boat was half inched from its mooring alongside the DW. Well the Captain was in floods of tears but thankfully it was spotted going down Worsley Mesnes Drive by eagle eyed resident, Katarzyna Nowakowski, on the back of a scrap wagon with 2 fridges and a washing machine.

The police were informed and said they would be round a week on Tuesday so we decided to take matters into our own hands. The Captain led a raiding party to the scrap yard and found the place deserted as they had all gone out on the piss. We managed to re float her quickly and thankfully she is now on open water at Sammy's Flood at Platt Waz.

We are currently steaming north on the Hockery Brook bound for the Leeds/Liverpool and Yorkshire then onto the River Don in time for the match.

The Captain is in a grand mood as he has it on good authority that his all time fav , Donny Osmond , is a season ticket holder there and named after the town of his birth.

I will ofcourse be there to pick up the pieces.
 
It may be worthwhile adding a little capacity to the boat while it's stuck in dock ............... there are surely going to be many more boarders in the next couple of weeks. A few scrap cars welded onto the hull (to accommodate the back seat drivers) together with lots of rope ladders chucked over the sides (for those who wish to hang on) will go some way to doing this. However, I think the Captain also needs to make sure he's got his big 'ommer and a few strong nails .................. so as he can lock up any annoying buggers in the hold who turn up saying that they knew we were going to be champions all along.

:whistle:
 
OMG....what a bloody rigmarole this morning. It got off to a bad start because as we sailed through Oswaldtwistle Alfonso insisted on an unscheduled stop so he could visit the final resting place of his mother Fifi. Turns out her ashes have been scattered outside the local massage parlour as there was a blue plaque on the wall to Fifi La Rue.

Anyroad after much wailing we managed to get him back on board to carry on. All went well until the Lancs/ Yorks boundary where we were met by border control headed by Amos Brierley. Entry criteria seemed to revolve around being able to identity a series of photographs. They were....Don Revie , Freddie Trueman , Molly Sugden , Peter Sutcliffe , Geoffrey Boycott , Dolly the Sheep and the one that threw most of our chinese passengers Arthur Scargill ( who they were convinced was Bobby Charlton ).

After much diplomatic wrangling and a poor rendition of Ilkley Moor Beyt Hat visas were issued and on we went only to be met by the news the River Don had frozen solid overnight.We had to continue then by husky and sled but the South Yorkshire Rescue Team played a blinder and here we are in Doncaster as one of our American guests summed up as a gawddamn shithole. Its hard to disagree.

Alfonso has led a huge landing party on what he describes as the Donny Osmond tour ( I know....we have told him but he wont listen ).

All the passengers hve been warned that we need to set sail immediately after the match as we are going for a Burton.
 
I don't believe it....here we are back in Wigan and disaster has struck again. Whilst we were all on a tour of the Uncle Joes Mint Ball factory some little scrotes have got on board and nicked Alfonso's dress and plumed head gear. The Captain is heart broken....could I request all our posters to keep their eyes peeled for any one parading up King Street on Friday bearing more than a passing resemblence to the late great Danny La Rue.

There will be a reward of 30 dracma for any information leading to...etc etc.
 
hindleymonwafc - 21/4/2016 22:26

I don't believe it....here we are back in Wigan and disaster has struck again. Whilst we were all on a tour of the Uncle Joes Mint Ball factory some little scrotes have got on board and nicked Alfonso's dress and plumed head gear. The Captain is heart broken....could I request all our posters to keep their eyes peeled for any one parading up King Street on Friday bearing more than a passing resemblence to the late great Danny La Rue.

There will be a reward of 30 dracma for any information leading to...etc etc.
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I think the First Mate nicked em hindley ........

 

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Whilst scrubbing the teak decks during the gale the bosun crept passed with a bundle under his arm. He told me he was going up to the bow-sprit to start loading the genoa. In such a hurricane where even the flying fish were struggling to stay in the water I thought his explanation was dubious. We didn't need the biggest sail on the boat flying. I now suspect that he actually had Alfonso's dress under his arm. she is pretty bucsome. As for the head gear ..... it's on the figure head, but I'm darned if I'm shinning the pole to go out to get it.
 
Great work guys.....I have alerted the boys in blue.

Moonay.....he/she is no mate of ours.

Ihaventaclue.....he/she isn't a pole, he/she is Latvian.

15 dracma each on it's way.
 
THE HOMECOMING

Here is our latest progress report tinged with sadness though as it will be the last.

What a day yesterday was......pure theatre, pure pantomine. The Captain had dubbed the whole thing his home coming. We have been anchored about 2 miles out from Blackpool for the last few days when, on a pre-ordained signal, ( the Tower was lit up red ) we proceeded towards land. We were flanked by a huge flotilla of small craft ranging from Fleetwood Trawlers, rowing boats, pedalos and even a few log flumes off the Pleasure Beach. After successfully docking at the end of the North Pier our leader dropped the bombshell of all bombshells on us. He informs us this would be the Love Boats final resting place, never to move again. Apparently it is to become some sort of rehab centre. Alfonso has been in contact with the local council all week and the ship is to be decommissioned and renamed The Danny & Fifi La Rue Sanctuary for Homeless Smackheads and Pisspots. I don't think the council were overly keen on the name but Alfonso dug his heels in and got his own way. The passengers can stay on board all week and are then to be ferried to the DW for the Barnsley match by Blackpool Tram and then onto Wigan International Airport for their journeys home.

Anyway, I digress. Back to last night. The gangplank was lowered to the North Pier and like a scene from I'm a celebrity, get me out of here there was ticker tape and fireworks as the Captain , resplendent in his fathers sequined dress and plumed head gear made his way to the waiting papurazzi. The crowd lined the pier all the way down where that pink horse and glass trap was waiting to take him down the golden mile. He made 6 trips in all waving to the throng and was still signing autographs till 3 AM
.

Anyroad, that's it. What a 9 month journey it has been. We have visited some new and wonderful places which I hope we never have to see again though but all in all we will be crowned champs today and I wouldn't change a thing.

Adios ship mates.

PS......Alfonso has said he will keep in touch and submit the odd post....and believe me odd is the correct feckin word.
 
hindleymonwafc - 30/4/2016 09:21

THE HOMECOMING

Here is our latest progress report tinged with sadness though as it will be the last.

What a day yesterday was......pure theatre, pure pantomine. The Captain had dubbed the whole thing his home coming. We have been anchored about 2 miles out from Blackpool for the last few days when, on a pre-ordained signal, ( the Tower was lit up red ) we proceeded towards land. We were flanked by a huge flotilla of small craft ranging from Fleetwood Trawlers, rowing boats, pedalos and even a few log flumes off the Pleasure Beach. After successfully docking at the end of the North Pier our leader dropped the bombshell of all bombshells on us. He informs us this would be the Love Boats final resting place, never to move again. Apparently it is to become some sort of rehab centre. Alfonso has been in contact with the local council all week and the ship is to be decommissioned and renamed The Danny & Fifi La Rue Sanctuary for Homeless Smackheads and Pisspots. I don't think the council were overly keen on the name but Alfonso dug his heels in and got his own way. The passengers can stay on board all week and are then to be ferried to the DW for the Barnsley match by Blackpool Tram and then onto Wigan International Airport for their journeys home.

Anyway, I digress. Back to last night. The gangplank was lowered to the North Pier and like a scene from I'm a celebrity, get me out of here there was ticker tape and fireworks as the Captain , resplendent in his fathers sequined dress and plumed head gear made his way to the waiting papurazzi. The crowd lined the pier all the way down where that pink horse and glass trap was waiting to take him down the golden mile. He made 6 trips in all waving to the throng and was still signing autographs till 3 AM
.

Anyroad, that's it. What a 9 month journey it has been. We have visited some new and wonderful places which I hope we never have to see again though but all in all we will be crowned champs today and I wouldn't change a thing.

Adios ship mates.

PS......Alfonso has said he will keep in touch and submit the odd post....and believe me odd is the correct feckin word.
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Well said Mr. Hindley....but you're still sacked. Pack your bags there's a good chap.
 
I've booked my birth, got my passport and i-spy book for whale spotters. I'm going so long as I don't have to do any time on the dog watch. I'm assuming, despite the missiles with a homing device on them are a bit unreliable, we wont be resorting to brass monkeys. It's too cold in ES7.

However, I'm only coming aboard if the entertainers are more fun than those we have had to endure on board on the lecture circuit, of recent.
 
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