Monday joke (ng) | Page 38 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

Tbf, it does start with "really bad joke of the week", just tickled me, one that needs a little thought.
Bit like the one where the Roman walks into a bar with his four mates, sticks two fingers up at the barman and says "five beers please".

Fair play - I spent some time looking at it playing with words, what let me down was a profound lack of chemical knowledge.
 
Anthony Martial turns up at Old Trafford with a rucksack. The security guard asks him 'What have you got in there?' Martial openly replies 'Some drugs, counterfeit tickets and a gun!'

The security guard says 'Thank fuck for that, I thought you'd brought your boots!
 
A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat

regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this

procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have

lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The man nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to

drop dead on that third day.'

'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the bloody skipping!
 
An old priest lay dying in a Hospital in London. He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
I would really like to see Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak before I die', whispered the priest.
I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Downing Street and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they drove to the hospital, Boris commented to Rishi, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected. Rishi agreed that it was a good thing for them both. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Boris’ hand in his right hand and Rishi’s hand in his left.There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Boris spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
'Amen', said Boris.
'Amen', said Rishi.

The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...’