O/T Fresh Jokes...

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things...... literally!

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

I put this in apost in Good morning thread when discussing Scotsmen and thought it deserved an airing in this jokes thread as well..

This grocer in Fife is in ehs shoap n it's freezin cauld n ehs standin ower the electric-bar fire. A wifie comes in, looks at the counter n goes tae um...'is that yer Ayrshire bacon? The grocerlooks at her n says, naw, ah'm jist warmin ma hands.

 

[Spursex]

My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.

He's now overdrawn.

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Will glass coffins be a success ?
Remains to be seen!

 

[Spursex]

Friend rang to say she’d changed her name to Spinal Column. I said I’d call her back.....

 

[Spursex]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles, something she loved to do. "That feels so nice," he said. Then turned & asked her, "You seem to love doing that, why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Best joke of 2021

SPURS MANAGER AND TEAM

 

[Spursex]

Friends a funeral director. Got stopped by the police in his hearse.

Got done for undertaking

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

 

[Spursex]

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Almost the worse joke from you ever! lol!

 

[Spursex]

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

I casn beat that worst joke EX

Studying Chemistry at the moment, I just learned that Sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker..

..It's an oxidant waiting to happen.

 

[Spursex]

Sad News. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine.

She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.

Good News. I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

 

[Spursex]

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Extending your current awful CORNEY theme Ex......

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: OK, I’ll have a Gin and Tonic no ice.
Bartender: £4.00 please.
Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

 

[Spursex]

My mate is a doctor.

When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "fine, suture self "

 

[Spursex]

I can't think of any jokes about supermarkets. Surely there Asda be one?

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

I can't think of any jokes about supermarkets. Surely there Asda be one?

Awful EX...


Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

 

[Greavswasthegreatest]

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

"It's hard to say."